I Am John's Stomach Pains.

On The Precipice of Mediocrity, Teetering

Tuesday, June 17, 2003


A Funny Story From a Friend

I thought some of you would get a kick out of this email a friend sent me a while ago concerning an incident involving a bathroom, an empty house, and police officers. And to think I thought only strange things happened to me:

A funny little thing happened to me on Sunday night, so I thought I'd share
it with you, because it's quite amusing:

It's official. I can't be left alone. I had to get the police over to my
apartment on Sunday night just to let me out of the bathroom. I'm not
kidding. The damn doorknob fell off of the bathroom door (on the side
facing the rest of the apartment), and all the knob on the inside of the
bathroom did was spin. I had just gotten out of the shower, so all I had
was my robe, and all I could think of was what if I don't get out of here in
time for work tomorrow? Or worse yet, what if I get hungry?!

I started to panic, so I calmed myself down by pretending to be MacGyver. I
looked around the bathroom to see if I could find anything of use. First, I
tried to unscrew the doorknob with my nail file, but all it did was bend the
nail file. Then I decided that I'd have to break off the door knob. I
figured I could pull the little metal thingy with my finger if I did that.
So I got my can of shaving gel, and banged away at it. It came off, but of
course, that door knob is glass, so it broke, and there I am in my bare
feet. And the door still wouldn't open. The glass part fell off, but the
metal part that attaches it to the door did not. So then I banged away at
that, but I was worrying that I'd bust open the can and have shaving gel all
over the bathroom. So then I tried the larger Lysol can, but with the same
results. So there I was, all alone at 1:00 in the morning, stuck in the
bathroom [alone].

I didn't know what else to do, so I went to the window and started calling
for help. Man, I felt so stupid doing that. It probably took about 5 or 10
minutes for someone to answer me, but it felt like forever. Someone in the
apartment above heard me and said he'd call for help. Now this was great,
but the door to our apartment was locked. And it wasn't just locked once.
No.... I had locked the second deadbolt that has no key and can only be
opened from the inside. So even if they had called the manager (who does
not live on site), there would be no way for him to get in without an axe. I
was hoping the cops would be able to pick the locks open, but of course they
couldn't. And where can you find a locksmith at 1:00 AM?

They asked me if I wanted them to break down the door, but really, that
would have been only slightly better than being stuck in the bathroom. I
mean, how could I go to sleep, or leave and go to work the next day with no
door to the apartment?!?!?! So anyway, the people in the apartment above me
generously allowed the use of their hammer, and let the cops lower it on a
rope from their window to mine. But even after I got the rest of the door
knob off, the f'ing slide bar thingy wouldn't move. I even tried using a
hook that fallen off the wall to move it. So I had to hammer a little bit
(okay A LOT) more. Oh, and the hammering knocked the speaker off the
wall--almost hit me in the head. I actually had to break the metal slide,
but I finally got the door open. I will definitely be needing a new
bathroom door. But hey, it's better than needing a whole new apartment
door! Anyway, I am never going into the bathroom without my cell phone and
a hammer ever again.

I had to laugh at the cops, though. I mean, they were really nice, and I
have no complaints at all, but there were three uniformed officers, plus two
in plain clothes! Just for a woman stuck in a bathroom! I thought that was

I hope you got a real laugh out of reading this email. When I was stuck in
the bathroom, of course, I was freaking out. But now that I'm out of there,
I think it's hilarious.

posted by Holz | 10:43 AM | Rant & Rave, Bitches! (0)


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Right Now I'm Probably...
Lost, Heroes, 24, Criminal Minds
Brobdingnagian Bards
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
Final Fantasy XII
Running... hopefully
My Amazon.com Wish List
Comic Quote of the Week
"It's trying to end the suffering of everything. Do you want to discuss our options? Maybe together we can, you know, workshop?"

"Okay, best way to stop a ten-story godlike monster from destroying existence? I'm gonna go with hitting, you have anything?"

"You took mine."

Wesley and Angel, Angel: After The Fall #15

Who Am I?
Name: Holz
Home: Sonoma County, California
About Me: I'm a comfortador.
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Ozymandias, DrOzymandias, Darth Angelus, Darque Feonix, Trip McNeely
Kicking ass for:
29 years
UWing Systems Design Specialist
Walking Theme:
Believe It Or Not by Joey Scarbury
Most watched movie:
The Princess Bride
Most read book:
The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King

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Blogs I Will Most Likely Steal Ideas From
The Past
Some of My Favorite Entries
"Let a man get away with fuckin' you once, you stay bent over so's he can fuck you again whenever he damn well pleases. An' if one man can do it? Another will too. An' another, an' another still. So's being fucked, that's yer life. 'Til who you were, you ain't. 'Cause all you are is an asshole."
100 Bullets #42