I Am John's Stomach Pains.

On The Precipice of Mediocrity, Teetering

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The Art of Theater-Hopping  

A few weeks ago, I went theater-hopping on a Saturday, and since many of my friends asked, I thought I'd give a quick lesson on just how to do it effectively.

1) Theater-hopping works best when you have absolutely no pressing matters to attend to (ie. you're not meeting someone for dinner), as well as the weather being somewhat shitty. This second fact is two-fold: first, you won't hear your friends bitch "how could you stay in a theater for 8 hours on such a beautiful day?!?", and even more importantly, you'll have bigger crowds in which to blend in.

2) Select the proper theater; this is very important. Find a theater that rips their tickets early, like by the front door. If you need to walk past ushers that rip your ticket to get back to the candystand, or worse - the bathroom, you're in trouble, and should call it a wash.

3) Take a look at the theater showtimes beforehand, as well as the movie info for running times, to plan your attack on the cinema accordingly. Remember that many theaters now report the start time of the previews, not the start time of the commercials. Since I like to stay through the credits of movies, I always add a minimum of 10 minutes to the reported running time, and look for a movie start time no more than 20 minutes in the future. If you'll need to wait 30 minutes or longer, I find it helpful to take a bathroom break... use this time to catch up on some reading (and Entertainment Weekly in your back pocket is always helpful).

4) This one's more personal for me, but since you're going to be giving your money to only one movie, don't make your first movie be a piece of garbage. If you're planning on seeing an arthouse film, make that your first one, then slip into the Rob Schneider flick.

5) Okay, so your in theater, and your ticket has been ripped; time to stock up on the carbs, cause this is gonna be a marathon. You may think you won't want the big tub of popcorn or the elephantine soda, but get 'em. Almost all theaters have free refills on both of 'em. And trust me, you're gonna want 'em both. Plus, theater chains make most of their money at the concession stand anyway, and the purpose of theater hopping isn't to punish the chains, they're just barely getting by as it is.

6) Now comes The Hop. The number one tip I can give here is Have No Fear. You leave the theater, and go to the bathroom... wash your hands of the butter residue at least. Then, upon exiting, just walk towards the theaters. If you see a group, walk around them... in front is just as good as in back. Most theaters have the start time right above the doors, so you'll be able to find something to watch fairly quickly.

7) So, what happens if you get stopped? Well, while I haven't done this alot, the times I have theater hopped, I've never been questioned. These kids are getting minimum wage, you think they're really looking at people's faces and saying "hey, didn't I see him go into another theater 3 hours ago?". Of course not. But, if by some chance it does happen, simply pull The Costanza: put your hands in your pocket, come up empty, and give the ol' "ticket, who keeps the ticket?" They're not going to take you to a back room and run hours of footage pointing you out. So just be cool.

So, that's pretty much it, very simple. The only hazard you may face is wanting to hunt down the Wanta Fanta women and do unspeakable acts to them (Worst. Pitchers. Ever.)

posted by Holz | 10:38 AM | Rant & Rave, Bitches! (11)

11 Comments:

I am the worst liar and when I do things that I knwo are wrong my conscience bothers the crap out of me so I doubt I'll ever try this, but thanks for the tips.

By the way, weren't you supposed to put up movie reviews for your theater hopping spree?

By Blogger Stan, at 9/01/2005 5:03 AM  


So = my son - I know you told me of your theater hopping. But - I am getting way too old and loosing any "hip"ness I may have ever had - I truly believed my sweet kind honest and fairminded son spent a fun day watching many movies and helping support our economy in a healthy and enjoyable way - tisk tisk - and you object to downloading music? But - more power to you - everyone should push thmselves - risk the uncertain - bend the rules - question authority - I am grateful you chose breaking into a few movies this time instead of jumping out of another airplane.

Mom

Oh and Kate - thanks for the kind words - we were truly blessed. It was quite a surprise to wake up to a hurricane - a tropical storm that was never going to have an effect on Key West became one of the worst sotrms I have yet to experience due to the length of time she vacationed here. It was John himself who told me I was in the middle of a hurricane. We never ever had a clue to prepare = in fact it was not till last evening at dinner that most of us even heard about New Orleans. But - we suffered some damage - all inconsquential = we have no homeless - we all now have power and water - we did not loose a single brother = After calling her Key West vacation quits - Katrina truly went to work and America will never be the same.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9/01/2005 9:03 PM  


You are more then welcome. Good to see you are back up and running.

By Blogger Kate, at 9/02/2005 7:05 AM  


We are trying to find good download full movie to take the kids this weekend. Good download full movie reviews are hard to find

I just stumbled onto your blog while looking. Seems to happen to me a lot since I am a knowledge mooch LOL

Thanks

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