I Am John's Stomach Pains.

On The Precipice of Mediocrity, Teetering

Monday, March 07, 2005

Involuntary PunchBlockKickHadoken  

I've finally come to understand exactly what's wrong with me physically. I am only a pawn of some tween-god (we'll call him Samoa), who is playing a video game called Holz 3: The Rumbling. It's basically a game like The Sims, but instead of controlling an entire household/town, you control one person's entire life. Now obviously, there would be a program to allow for free movement for the long periods of time that Samoa doesn't feel like playing the game, so I don't consider me entire life at his will.

Now, my theory is that Samoa gets off on causing me pain, especially self-inflicted. So when he's bored, he begins button-smashing like any good player would do in a fighting game, but since he doesn't want me hurting others, all the button pushing does is make me punch myself.

That's right... I seem to punch myself for no apparent reason. It's sort of a combination of the chills I used to get in high school (aka my self-diagnosed 5% Tourette's), and my IBS, which seems to rack my entire body in flashes of pain. During this time, I have a habit of punching myself in the head. It's not too hard... I don't think I'm leaving bruises, but since it's on the top and back of my head, I'm not sure. It's basically pain transference. Still, it's hard to explain to friends who are around me at the time. In fact, I had never noticed I did it until a friend pointed it out to me.

Thing is, last night was the first time I can remember seriously hurting myself in one of the... twitches. My friend Hawk had brought my sunglasses to dinner, which I had lost a couple weeks before, and I placed them on my head like I usually do, so I won't lose them (I have a habit of losing things that aren't on my body). Anyway, due to the awesome food we were having at the Bear, my stomach was really acting up, and in a tremor-twitch, I slammed myself in the head involuntarily. Of course, my metal glasses were still on my head at the time, so they got jammed into the top of my head, causing me to curse explosively. Thankfully, no blood.

My mom recommended I see a neurologist, and she's probably right... I've got a list of things I've been noticing wrong lately, and I think Samoa has just gotten completely bored with his game, and the only enjoyment comes when he button-smashes my body into oblivion.

Asshole.

posted by Holz | 11:30 AM | Rant & Rave, Bitches! (5)

5 Comments:

Thanks man. I haven't laughed this hard in a while. Sonic Boom!

By Blogger Stan, at 3/08/2005 4:00 AM  


im with stan, again you have entertained my morning read!!

By Blogger Manda, at 3/09/2005 9:49 AM  


You need to get that checked out before it gets worse . . .

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3/09/2005 5:17 PM  


I don't do this very often but...I agree with your mom, go see a doc before it gets worse!

Pop

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3/10/2005 9:34 AM  


As a witness to two bouts of Holz's self "Fight Club" experience, I would agree with the parental unit as well. It's kind of freaky and could get worse.

By Blogger Lushy, at 3/23/2005 5:24 PM  


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Right Now I'm Probably...
Watching:
Lost, Heroes, 24, Criminal Minds
Listening:
Brobdingnagian Bards
Reading:
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
Playing:
Final Fantasy XII
Eating:
Healthy...er
Doing:
Running... hopefully
Wishing:
My Amazon.com Wish List
Comic Quote of the Week
"It's trying to end the suffering of everything. Do you want to discuss our options? Maybe together we can, you know, workshop?"

"Okay, best way to stop a ten-story godlike monster from destroying existence? I'm gonna go with hitting, you have anything?"

"You took mine."


Wesley and Angel, Angel: After The Fall #15



Who Am I?
Name: Holz
Home: Sonoma County, California
About Me: I'm a comfortador.
See my complete profile

AKA:
Ozymandias, DrOzymandias, Darth Angelus, Darque Feonix, Trip McNeely
Kicking ass for:
29 years
Job:
UWing Systems Design Specialist
Walking Theme:
Believe It Or Not by Joey Scarbury
Most watched movie:
The Princess Bride
Most read book:
The Dark Tower Series by Stephen King


Where Do I Go?
Blogs I Will Most Likely Steal Ideas From
The Past
Some of My Favorite Entries
"Let a man get away with fuckin' you once, you stay bent over so's he can fuck you again whenever he damn well pleases. An' if one man can do it? Another will too. An' another, an' another still. So's being fucked, that's yer life. 'Til who you were, you ain't. 'Cause all you are is an asshole."
100 Bullets #42