I Am John's Stomach Pains.

On The Precipice of Mediocrity, Teetering

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Golden Globes Commentary  

Scattering of thoughts I have throughout the night... since I need to watch it in the living room because of a VCR emergency, I'll be doing it during commercials, so no immediate thoughts. Pre-Show thoughts are mainly that nearly every chick is wearing a feathery dress... very weird.

8:08 - I really need to see Closer now... I had been putting it off for a long time because of my aversion to Julia Roberts, but with the other two already gettin' awards, it's a must. Natalie Portman looked damn cute, and her acceptance speech was even cuter. I also feel bad that Meryl Streep had to show up and pretend she had a ghosts chance in hell for winning for The Manchurian Candidate.

8:16 - Jen Garner comes out, and presents with Marky Mark. I actually don't like her dress, it's not right for her body... but she's still purty. They show Charlize as a brunette, and I must say, she's gonna rule as Aeon Flux. When Huston walks up, it becomes clear that the layout of the show is pathetically engineered... they can barely squeeze through the tables. Then WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER wins! DennyCrane is one of my favorite characters on TV. His acceptance speech is drunken and subdued, but who cares, it's WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER!

8:31 - I swear Diane Lane is going commando. Jim Carrey comes on, and as always, he's on like a motherfucker, very funny. Then Big Dog shows up, so that's just awesome. Claire Danes comes out with Topher (who was quite funny last night on SNL) and the first thing I think is she really needs to eat a sandwich.. Then, all is forgotten as Mariska Hargitay wins for Drama Actress, and I cheer out loud, 'cause damn, she deserves it. And boy, is the turkey done or what! Great great acceptance speech. Then the Actor's are awarded, and some guy I've never heard of from some show I've never seen a single scene from beats out the F/X guys. I call shenanigans, even if they happened to split the vote.

8:45 - Meryl Streep cracks me up with two little words, "Congratulations, Natalie". The eye-roll is even better. I don't know this category, but the American Family movie looks cool. Still, a win by the Peter Sellers movie doesn't make me want to see it any more than before. Megan Mullally's outfit is horrid... man, you think with all the pimping money she's getting from commercials lately, she could afford something nice. Justin Bateman wins, and I do a little dance for joy. If Zach Braff didn't take it, Jason was a close second for me... and man, he's incredibly gracious in his acceptance speech. I particularly like him thanking Fox for their patience, and the future fans of AD... if you're not watching, you're seriously missing out.

9:02 - Halle's dress makes her look like she's had a hysterectomy.. Will Ferrell coming out in an eyepatch, and then putting the reading glasses on 'cause the biggest laugh of the night so far. In a word, Emmy Rossum is a cutey-patooty. Annette Benning winning... ugh, I love her, but Kate Winslet was robbed. And damn, GET OFF THE FUCKING STAGE YOU ROBOT! Worst.Acceptance.Speech.Ever. Someone should fix the hole in Kanakerdes dress... oh, that's on purpose? Ouch. 24 and Lost were both robbed, but I admit, I didn't watch last season's Nip/Tuck.

9:19 - Whoa! Teri Hatcher seriously has some Farrah-hair going. Still, all these ladies look stunning. Geoffrey Rush's wife looks pissed he won, and she doesn't even stand up and hug him. Damn. Still, the lucky bastard gets a smooch from each of the DH's... I may just watch this Peter Sellers movie... Every time I see Hillary Swank, I can't help but picture Jimmy Fallon dressed up as her, and bust out laughing. I wonder if Chad Lowe ever has that problem. And Glenn Close? Whatever.

9:40 - Scarlet as a bleach-blonde Does. Not. Work. Don't try it anymore. The foreign films? Whatever. We come back from commercial/bathroom break, and I see McConnaghey and the worst dress of the night on some actress I have no clue on... she sorta looks like the chick from The Ring, but its not her. All this award tells me is that I really need to see Sideways, but I already knew that. Next award, presented by Mischa Barton... how'd she get in? I thought you had to be an actor to be there. Oh well. Teri Hatcher wins, and since it's for comedy, I suppose I'm happy, even though Felicity or Marcia was the better choice. Thankfully, Teri gives a truly humble speech under all that Farrah-hair, and it's very sweet. Funniest moment though was Zach Braff gettin' sorta-dissed for a hug from Teri. Sure, she didn't see him, but the audience sure did. Made me laugh.

9:54 - AAAGHH!!!! Lisa-Marie Presley is fucking freaking me out! Best Score... hmmm nothing stood out for me this year. The Garden State soundtrack is awesome, but that's not the same. Then, Best Song... well, I happen to really like Accidentally in Love. And Learn to Be Lonely, from Phantom? That must have been when I was in the bathroom, 'cause I don't remember that at all. Total bullshit that Team America didn't get a nod. Then Mick Jagger's win... sadly, I'm no quite the Hollywood insider as others are, so I don't get the Paramount joke.

10:09 - Hot damn, it's Prince! The audience absolutely loves him, I even think I see a few of the Desperate Housewives throw their panties up on stage. Then Clint wins, and he gets the first serious standing ovation of the night. Surprised Marty didn't win. Then, Diane Keaton comes out, dressed like Diane Keaton. She begins saying "I love men so much", I expect her to finish the sentence with "that's why I always dress like them". But she doesn't. Anyway, Jamie Foxx wins for Ray, as expected, and he's so into it, he gets the audience really hyped. Then he gives a great acceptance speech, with a heart-wrenching climax that brought a tear to quite a few people (but not me, of course, since I'm DeadInside).

10:28 - And then we come to the Ribin Williams tribute. I'm surprised they've gotten Pierce Brosnan to do this of all people, but I suppose if you want some to give an awesome award, Bond ain't too shabby. I would've liked to see Billy Crystal though. It's hilarious that they showed Popeye, but I suppose you have to show every actors roots. I absolutely love the next three, Good Morning, Vietnam, Dead Poet's Society, and Goodwill Hunting, all great performances, and great films. Then they show Patch Adams... let's pass right by that one. The Aladdin song over the rest of his films is perfect, but I'm surprised Awakenings doesn't get more screentime. His acceptance speech is great, very funny, and very Robin (Pia Zadora, Star Trek: The Musical, anyone?), and his heartfelt Christopher Reeve tribute is beautiful.

10:36 - Short bit. Charlize Theron walks up in the best dress of the evening, hands down. Just brilliant. I'm a bit annoyed that Jamie Foxx wasn't in the Drama category for Ray, 'cause then Jim Carey may've had a chance, but oh well, Leo wins. Many of you know, I'm not a fan, but his tribute to Martin Scorcese and pimping of the tsunami aid fund get me in his good graces.

10:50 - Hmph, Patricia Arquette is getting kinda big... I usually like that, but sadly, I find Patricia downright fugly anyways. Desperate Housewives winning best comedy is a big whatever form me... I'm a fan of the show, but a soap opera/satire is not a comedy. Oh well, the cast looks absolutely ecstatic, and Marc Cherry is shaking with joy, so congrats. The Best Actress Drama list is a good category, but if you thought anyone other than Hilary Swank was gonna win, I got a bridge to sell you in Florida. Her dress looks great, and her "Just kidding" about forgetting her husband is a cute chuckle.

11:02 - The next two presenters are Sylvester Stallone and Goldie Hawn... damn, I guess I understand Sly showing Million Dollar Baby, but who the hell did Goldie blow to get that cushie spot? The winner for Comedy yet again reinforces, Must.See.Sideways. Paul Giamatti looks uncomfortable on stage, wonder why. Nicole Kidman walks onstage in the first killed-bird-as-dress since Bjork, wearing a dead peacock. The Aviator win is a surprise, could sworn Million Dollar Baby had it in the bag. Anyway, the show ends less than 2 minutes over time... how come the Globes can get it so close, but the Oscars go over by two hours? Oh, I know, the same reason Star Jones goes around as Star Jones-Reynolds now: pretentiousness.

posted by Holz | 8:00 PM | Rant & Rave, Bitches! (3)


I'm sure that's a factor, but I always thought it was because they never gave the Oscars enough time. I hate seeing people rushed off the fucking stage. They won. Let them speak. If they go over long, or say something stupid, it's their career in the toilet. We can still laugh or cringe.

By Blogger Manchild, at 1/17/2005 6:27 AM  

Does Goldmember from Austin Powers have Golden Globes?

By Blogger Stan, at 1/18/2005 8:41 AM  

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By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2/10/2010 10:38 AM  

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