I Am John's Stomach Pains.

On The Precipice of Mediocrity, Teetering

Monday, June 23, 2003


I Don't Know Music, But I Know What I Don't Like

So, this weekend, I caught alot of VH1's Top 100 Songs of The Past 25 Years. While I think they succeeded in the upper 50, the list on a whole amounted to 2 words: Horse. Shit. The show was broken up into 5 segments of 20 songs, so I thought I'd point the biggest problems with each area, with a few highlights. Keep in mind that these are just my opinions, so that makes them absolutely right, and any disagreements make you completely wrong.

100-81: Let's see, any list that starts out with Madonna's Ray of Light that doesn't have Worst or Crapfest in the title is just wrong. Don't get me wrong, I like Madonna, but I don't think she's done a relevant song since the one from A League of Their Own. Glad to see MMMBop on the list, some of you may know I'm actually a fan of Hanson. Cheap Trick's Surrender shoulda been much higher. Same goes for Metallica's one and only entry on the list with Enter Sandman (nowhere near their best song... a trend you'll see on the list). Tracy Chapman's Fast Car gets on the list and it's not in the top 20... travesty. And Eminem slides in at 85 with My Name Is... I like that he's on the list, but not too high yet, that works for me (and for those who know the list, yes, I am going for irony in the future)

80-61: Destiny's Child? Are you fucking kidding me?!? And to have Green Day's Good Riddance right after is just crap, Time of Your Life is probably the most used song in television from the late 90s, and to not even place it in the top 50 is bullshit. Missy Elliot's Work It... don't know, don't care... didn't she used to wear trashbags? I Wanna Be Sedated comes right behind a Hall & Oates song... I feel this is a sign of the Apocalypse. They then place a John Lennon song on the list I don't think anyone's ever heard of, Starting Over, because someone at VH1 pointed out they needed to get something on the list from a Beatle, and hey, there's this song that makes the cut by 4 minutes, let's use it! Jack and Diane at 67... good choice. Hot in Herre at 65... bad choice. Finally, Backstreet Boys are the only boy band to make the list with I Want It That Way. Ummm... I have no words. I mean, it's not horrible, it's a good pop song... but still... it's fucking Backstreet Boys. How comes New Kids got the shaft?

60-41: Good to see Carlos and Rob get more props for Smooth, I don't think the 42 Grammys it won was enough. Meatloaf's Paradise... great fucking song, one of my favorites, some great memories. Same with Tears In Heaven. It was at this point I started gettin' excited, because this hour had some really great songs. Then they had to fuck up and include Goo Goo Dolls Iris above a bunch of 'em. Then they made it worse by giving three of my least favorite songs in a row, Start Me Up, Faith, and Are You Gonna Go My Way. We're at the 50 mark, and I'm already beginning to fear where they are going. Then my boys from Beantown make the list, but it's their song from Armageddon, a song they didn't even write... sadly, not a single song from Get a Grip, their best modern album. We end this section with Under the Bridge... and while I'm not a fan of the Chili Peppers, I won't complain because I know they used to be influential (even though now they're beat poets with a guitar rift).

40-21: Michael makes his first appearance with Beat It... good song, but one of his best? Not too sure. Somehow, Alicia Keys' Fallin' comes in two spots above Tom Petty's Free Fallin'... Alicia has a nice voice and all, but will that song stand the test of time? It doesn't even stand the time in my car anymore. Sugarhill Gang's Rapper's Delight at 35... should be in the top 10, easy, for sheer influence. Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes... some of you may know that song has alot of meaning for me, good and bad, so yeah, I like it's placement. We get Jeremy and Nuthin' But a G Thang back to back and I'm starting to warm back up for VH1. Then they put Britney at 28. I nearly puke in disgust. If anything, I might have put it in around 95 or something, but even that's generous, but placing her above Springsteen's Born In The U.S.A.? This can't get much worse. Livin' On A Prayer almost gets VH1 back into my good graces, then the taste of puke comes up again when Celine's Titantic song comes up. I mean, I don't disagree, it deserves the spot, but that song just makes me sick now... List ends with a timeless 80's song, Cindy Lauper's Time After Time, and a forgetable U2 song, With Or Without You. Whatever. We're going into the home stretch, and I'm reaching for the Pepto...

20-1: AC/DC starts us off, and I'm smiling... definately deserves the top 20. I don't agree with the placement of Public Enemy's Fight the Power, but oh well, it should be on the list somewhere, and here's as good as any really. Losing My Religion is a great choice, simply for the impact it had on music videos. Don't Speak at 16... personally, I think it should be even higher, that is a timeless song that will never get old... such heartfelt meaning, and a powerful video too. Then we get TLC's Waterfalls... maybe I just forget how popular it was, but is that even in rotation on an radio anymore? Alanis makes the list, but not for Ironic, which in it's way is kinda... nevermind. Glad to see her on the list, and I won't complain, but You Oughta Know at #12? Somewhere Dave Coulier weeps (or is it Bob Saget?). I think the top ten all deserve comment...

Madonna starts the top ten with Like a Virgin, and I got no complaints. The Police somehow show up with Every Breath You Take... is it wrong to think Puffy's cover should have been on this list instead of Sting? Whitney Houston's contribution to the Dolly Parton Residuals Fund places well, and I agree... not my type of music, but I know a great song when I hear it... Celine, eat your heart out. For some reaosn Prince's When Doves Cry gets number 7, instead of Purple Rain... strange. The song I believe shoulda taken number one, especially seeing as the top five are pathetic, was Run D.M.C. and Aerosmith's Walk This Way... greatest song of my generation. And then we get to the top five... so so wrong. U2's One starts us off... I know it's a good song and all, but honestly, does anyone listen to it besides U2 fans and people watching a bride and groom's dance at a wedding? Next, can someone tell me who Eminem blew to get number four on this list with a song that's not even a year old, and is one of his worst? Instead of choosing Lose Yourself, the song which won him the Oscar (which I also don't believe belongs on the list yet) they choose the song 8 Mile... I can't even begin to comprehend this... was it even released as a single? Number three is GnR's Sweet Child O' Mine. Good song, but again, why go with this instead of November Rain, Don't Cry, or even Paradise City? The second spot goes to Michael again, for Billie Jean, which confused the hell outta me. I mean, I'm all for Michael gettin' his props on the list, but I didn't even think this was one of his 5 biggest hits... could be wrong. Finally, we get to number one and it's Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit. I can't even beign to describe my disgust with this choice, and what it says about my generation. All I will say is that grunge music is only remember because of magazines like Rolling Stone tells us it is still relevant. The grunge era didn't even last a year... it is total and utter crap that people think it's the best music of the past 25 years, and is a disgrace to the rap culture, the punk culture, the rock ballad culture, the hair band culture... hell, even the bubblegum pop culture which has yet to burst in the past 5 years, despite many people's predictions...

So in conclusion VH1, a hearty Fuck You for continuing The Lie that Kurt Cobain and his shitty lyrics are relevant in any way, shape, or form.

posted by Holz | 9:47 AM | Rant & Rave, Bitches! (0)


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